Medical experts unable to explain how oil got inside Vice-President’s body; Mechanical experts unable to determine how many miles he’s been leaking

WASHINGTON — Vice-President Dick Cheney is under close medical scrutiny today after oil began seeping out of his skin during a secret Energy Task Force meeting. Witnesses say oil began dripping out of Cheney’s ears after hearing that Iran had recently discovered a gigantic untapped oil field.

“We were just beginning a report on Iran’s oil field, second largest in the world, and the Vice-President was visibly excited,” said an anonymous aide. “Suddenly, he let out an orgasmic ‘yelp’ and oil started seeping out of him. I think I’m traumatized for life.”

The unexplained phenomenon has completely baffled the country’s leading doctors, who called in auto experts to assist in a diagnosis and treatment. However, a working cure for Cheney could still be days away, according to officials.

Iran’s July 14 announcement of the world’s second biggest oil field after Saudi Arabia’s Ghawar development appears certain to change the equation of oil production globally.

Lynne Cheney addressed reporters from outside the Washington Hospital Center today, stating that Cheney’s spirits are up despite the bizarre condition currently afflicting him. “To tell you the truth, I haven’t seen him this happy in years,” Cheney said. “He begged me to let him stay home and soak in the hot-tub as oil was gushing out of him.”

To some White House staffers, bizarre actions on Cheney’s part during a briefing about oil is nothing new. “On the night we launched missiles against Iraq, he was making car sound effects as he walked briskly around the West Wing,” said an official off-the-record. “I swear I saw his tongue turning black when he made revving engine noises, but I can’t prove it.”