Scott McClellan in critical condition after first press briefing

WASHINGTON — New press secretary Scott McClellan remains in critical condition today after being savagely mauled by partisan members of the White House press corps in his first press briefing.

The briefing began normally for McClellan, just as hundreds of briefings headed by former secretary Ari Fleischer had. McClellan addressed a question on the national debt, then was asked several questions on the Iraq-Niger nuclear connection stated by the President and other administration officials leading up to the current war.

Witnesses described a scene of increasing chaos as McClellan gave repeated non-answers and begin to chant “I think that we have addressed this issue” in response to every question. Democratic members of the press corps were visibly frustrated with McClellan’s handling of the questions.

“All the reporters were starting to try to get McClellan’s attention, first by standing and then by shouting at him. Finally, some CNN guy threw his micro-cassette recorder at McClellan’s head and scored a direct hit,” said one press corps member.

After the initial salvo, anarchy ruled as several reporters stormed the podium, beating McClellan with his own microphone. He would manage to fight off a swarm of the press, only to be pummelled with TV lighting equipment heaved from the back of the briefing room.

“Through it all, he was still taking questions and giving non-answers,” said a witness. “It was a remarkable display.”

McClellan released a statement saying that he is healing quickly and is “eager to return to the exciting and engaging give-and-take between the government and the media.”

Chicken wire will be installed around the stage of the briefing room to prevent similar incidents in the future.