All law enforcement and national security officials in the country planning to end standoff with force

Ardmore, Oklahoma — President Bush announced today that the Homeland Security Department, FBI, CIA, NSA, Army, Navy, Air Force, Marines, and Coast Guard have successfully surrounded fleeing terrorist legislators in their Holiday Inn compound.

“Americans can breathe easier today. America is safe. The threat of the Texas Democrats has been lessened thanks to the swift and decisive action of every single member of our nation’s police, military, and intelligence divisions,” Bush said.

The President said that many options are being considered for ways to end the standoff, including nuclear or bunker-buster weaponry.

“I want the American people to know that we’re taking their safety very seriously, as they can see by our nation’s response to these democrats.”

“We’ll get to the less dangerous terrorists, like the fanatical darkies who blow stuff up, soon enough — once we’re done with the real threat.”